honest.

Lately i have realized that i have become a bad blogger. Not just bad in that i dont post much, which i don't- but bad in that my blogs don't seem nearly as interesting as they were when i was overseas. My blog actually died about my last 6 months in Lebanon b/c of awful internet, but before that it was pretty rockin'. I was reminiscing about overseas life with Matt the other night and decided to pull up my blog. I read him post after post and after every one, i would say, "i wrote that?" The thoughts just seemed so hopeful, and it was a hope that i am not sure i have anymore. So the past few days i was been really thinking about why that hope has somehow disappeared, or is hiding....

One reason is simply moving back to America. I hate to blame everything on America so maybe it is not so much America and more, not being so far away from America. Ok, maybe that's the same thing. Either way, what i am trying to say is that when i was overseas i had so much hope about america, what things could be, how people in my family and friends could grow and change for the better- and when i got back i just realized that for the most part things were the same. It is just so easy to change things in your mind when you are so far away for so long. I had planned share Christ to family and friends who i just knew would respond differently this time. Yet they responded that same way that always had. Or worse, the same fears i dealt with sharing before i left were still there and i didn't even do it. I realized that although i had changed things in my mind, reality had not changed much at all.

It's just hard to balance hope with reality. I'm working on it.

All this to say, i am going to work on making my blog more interesting, hopeful, deep... or maybe just honest. I think my blog is not as fun anymore b/c i care so much more about what people think living in America than i did overseas. Sorry to blame you again, America- you are just the punching bag today. Blah. I hate that i am not as confident here. I hate all insecurity struggles, especially my own.

As i was reading through my old blog, this [To Live is Christ] was one of those "I wrote that?" posts. Something i wrote almost 4 years ago encouraged encouraged me now, and it was pretty awesome.